I have a confession to make: I walked down the Slim Fast aisle at the grocery store on Sunday.
I was really REALLY tempted to buy a box of the stuff. Just to “kick start” my weight loss. Just for a little while.
Just one box…
But I didn’t. I walked away. I realized when I was contemplating keeping the box in my car so that no one would know about it that this was a very silly, very irrational thing.
I think I am a dieting junkie. No, really. I think I have been on so many diets in my lifetime that I take comfort in a strict diet the same way I take comfort in food, just for different reasons.
How messed up is that?
This is a pretty big revelation for me, and one I think I’m going to have to mull over for a while, but it explains a lot, actually. It even explains why I was craving a life without diets and why I made a resolution not to go on a “plan” this year.
Psychologically, I’m getting some kind of benefit from going on and off diets. It feels good to indulge myself on less healthy foods—and then it feels good to go on a strict diet and purge my life of those indulgences—and then it feels good to go back to indulging.
This weekend, I also started reading a very widely hyped new YA book called Wintergirls. I knew it was about a girl with an eating disorder before I started reading it, but I had a really violent reaction to it. After about 20 pages, I was ready to throw it across the room, and I think I know why now.
I recognized a lot of the behaviors the girl in the book was doing.
I have never had a diagnosed eating disorder. I have never binged and purged. My “disorder” if you want to call it that, has never been that severe. But the control, the power I get from counting calories? Yup. The desire to eat as little as possible to get through the day? Yep. The looking in the mirror and seeing nothing but the fat? Oh yes.
This is a big eye-opener for me, and a big reminder that I need to STAY AWAY from the Slim Fast aisle. I need to learn to eat like a normal person. I need to stop relying on strict diet plans to make me feel good.
I need to stick to my resolution. Big time.
I can relate. I’ve never had a full-fledged ED, but I know I have an unhealthy relationship with food. Remember how in high school sex ed, they taught that boys think about sex (insert crazy statistic here) every hour of the day??? I never understood this until I realized that I think about food/my weight/my fat butt (insert crazy statistic here) every hour of every day.
Sad, but true.
It’s so true! When I’m in full-on diet mode, it can be like a full time job. That’s why I’ve GOT to figure out how to just LIVE like a normal person!
Lacy,
I just read your success story in Shape….clearly I was a little late getting to my magazine this month. First, congratulations! I’m currently trying to lose some weight, and it’s proving to be extremely hard!
When I got on your blog, I noticed that you said you work for a magazine in denver. I’m moving back home (to denver) this May after I graduate from Baylor, and I’d love to talk to you about what you do and how you got there. I’m a journalism major/fashion merchandising minor, and it would be wonderful to talk to someone who actually has a career doing what I want to do! Let me know if you might have some time to chat….even over e-mail is perfectly fine. My e-mail address is brittany_mihalcin@baylor.edu. Again, congrats! Look forward to hearing from you.
Brittany
I also just read your story in SHAPE. Congrats on that by the way. I like your blog and will be adding a link to it on my blog if that’s ok with you.I’m trying to lose weight for the summer (and life in general)too.
Penney
travelbunny.blogspot.com
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